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to MY kindred spirits
July 23, 2006To My Kindred Spirit
by Todd-Michael St. Pierre
We share secrets, we laugh and even cry,
We have so much in common,
Concerns, likes and dislikes.
Ours is a relationship joined by
Tender velvet chains that link our
similar dreams of life and love.
A gentle intuition guides us in our
individual struggles to succeed
at the things we pursue, to stand
out from the crowd.
In you I have found so much of myself,
Including many of the same
Insecurities and philosophies.
Complete inner-peace and happiness,
These are the things I wish for you,
in the present and in the future
because you are my kindred spirit.
By 23
July 19, 2006I turned 23 three months ago. I’m still the same crackpot that I was five, six years before. I haven’t changed much, save for the few things that I’ve learned in high school, college, and my-life-so-far. I still have a long way to go and I know that.
Ten years ago I would’ve thought that by 23, I’d be in some office building having corporate pow-wows with head honchos and fellow big shots. But I would be wrong. Instead, I’m sitting in front of a computer, blogging about how my 13-year-old dreams didn’t hit their target. And for that, I’m grateful. I no longer desire the corporate life. I no longer dream of a big office with a view. I no longer dream of black-on-black sports cars or elegant French dinners.
Instead, I wish for a happy-go-lucky lifestyle with a beat-up car that works, a dog, and a green backyard. I dream, endlessly, of Baja and the Caribbean, of white sand beaches, of the sea and sky, and strawberry margaritas. I dream of sailboats sitting by the horizon, and the most incredible sunrise and sunsets. I dream of a most elusive life, but most of all, I dream of peace within myself.
Right now one could describe myself as: 23, unemployed, and currently living with relatives. Nevertheless, I’d rather be described as: 23, loved, and still crazy enough to dream big.
“The only thing you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself.”
- Troy Dyer (played by Ethan Hawke), Reality Bites (1994)
Life and Death
July 16, 2006I came across a line from somebody’s blog. She actually wrote that entry after reading mine. Anyway, I felt compelled to write an entry about it:
“Death is after all, just a part of LIFE.”
So here we go.
I really couldn’t come to terms with this whole death-is-part-of-life thing. Everyone I know believes and/or agrees with it. I, on the other hand, do not.
We celebrate somebody’s life when he dies, yes, but we don’t celebrate his death. If Death is a part of life, shouldn’t it be part of the celebration, too? Of course not! We do not rejoice over somebody’s death unless it was Bin Laden’s or some random pedophile’s. But I digress.
For me, Death is simply separate from Life. It is completely different. After all, Death is the absence of Life, much like darkness is the absence of light. Nobody says that black is part of white. No.
Anyway, I just couldn’t accept it. Life is Life and Death is Death. There’s no gray area. It has always been black and white. It has always been dark and light. And it will always be Life AND Death.
RS: Supernova, the second
July 14, 2006I truly believe that Lukas and Tommy Lee should marry each other and have babies. They’re just perfect together. 
My favorites after the second booting episode: Lukas, Dilana, Josh, Jill, Ryan, and Toby.
Lukas rocks the hardest out of the bunch. Great voice and awesome stage presence.
Dilana is the best chick. That psycho-crazy-scary aura is so cool, she should perform twice every night.
Josh, aka The Shermanator (haha! I got this from Paopao), has a really nice, soothing voice, I could listen to him everyday.
Jill, in my opinion, has been performing well, with the exception of that freaky Corpse Bride thing she just did. She has an amazing voice — very powerful for such a small woman.
Ryan may not be the top contender here but he also has a good voice to flaunt and it just may carry him far enough in the competition to get noticed.
Toby has charming, sexy eyes. I just wanna eat him up. Nice vocals, but needs a little bit of improvement. He still hasn’t wowed me yet… Did I mention he has sexy eyes?
Analyzing a Tickle
July 12, 2006I never liked getting tickled that much. When I was little, my eldest brother used to pin me down and tickle my armpits ’til I turned blue. He had this sadistic laugh that greatly annoyed me and he made me scream for our mother who was busy cooking in the kitchen. I fought back, of course, using my legs and feet to push him away. However, he was still ten years older than I was, therefore I was still very much under his mercy. I begged for him to stop.
A tickle is supposed to be funny and cheerful. Nobody said it could be joyously agonizing as well. Normally when we laugh, we do not want the laughter to end. But when we laugh because we are tickled, we ask for it to stop. Immediately. Usually, the tickled part of our body stiffens up, to “soften the blow” perhaps, but it’s never enough. We do a mind-over-body mantra in our heads, which rarely works. And so with our hands, feet, elbows, and knees, we fight to be left alone.
Why is it that when one is presented with a good joke, he accepts it? He laughs heartily until things come out of his nose or until he busts a gut. A tickle elicits laughter from him but somehow this same person rebukes it. A tickle offers mirth and amusement but it gets a menacing slap on the wrist. A tickle and a joke both offer laughter, but are received differently. What, then, is the difference?
Is it mere physiology or is it something else? Are our nerves merely excited, sending signals to the brain, which naturally wants to rid us of the excitement? Or is it the sudden contact to one’s body by something foreign and strange? Is it because of the invasion of one’s personal space — an arm’s length all around you, to be exact? Are we so guarded that laughter is surely welcomed… but only at a certain distance?
C is for Cookie
July 11, 2006Today Cait, Elise, and I baked white chocolate cookies with chocolate chunks. We decided to do so for lack of anything to do. We just finished playing a round of Monopoly with Jon and there weren’t any good movies on (that we haven’t seen yet). Besides, it’s also something we could do for Ate Epie.
Anyway, I was just walking around the kitchen looking for something to eat but nothing really interested me at the time. I passed by the shelf where all the cookbooks were and I saw the Mrs. Fields cookie cookbook. I thought to myself, What the heck, let’s bake cookies!
I skimmed through the pages of the book, looking for a recipe that’s easy enough to follow. I also made sure that we have all the ingredients mentioned. So there it was: White Chocolate Cookies with Chocolate Chunks. Perfect.
After about half an hour we were done. I realized that it’s so easy to bake cookies — heck, even to cook anything — when you have all the things that you need. The cookies turned out great: chewy and sinfully tasty. Perfect with milk. 
End to Life
Not too long ago, I learned that there are actually five stages of grief (or dying). And just recently, I learned that this model was introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying. These five stages are as follows: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It is said that not all people get to experience all stages, but all get to experience at least two of them.
I wonder if she did.
Tita Baby has been battling her way through diabetes and renal failure for the longest time. She undergoes dialysis three times a week, sometimes two. She has a gazillion bottles of medication and her fridge is plastered with doctor’s orders on when and how many she should take. Three years ago, I remember that she was quite a big lady. But then, she got even sicker and now I’m bigger than her. She shrunk at least half her size and she looked way older.
Yesterday morning, Ate Epie got a call that Tita Baby wasn’t breathing. Tito Rey (her husband) just finished cleaning her up and brushing her teeth, and he was just about to dress her up on her living room couch when she suddenly stiffened up, fell sideways, and foamed on the mouth. She was having a heart attack and then stopped breathing altogether. The nine paramedics that came for her had her whole chest cave in somewhat due to the enormous pressure they repeatedly put on it as they tried to resuscitate her. She was deprived of oxygen for 20-25 minutes and then they finally got a pulse. It was tiny, but it was something. She was then rushed to the hospital but was pronounced dead on arrival. Tita Baby is still a fighter deep down because however slim the chances were, they still got a pulse out of her.
She’s now kept alive by a respirator, but everyone knows that she’d only end up a vegetable if this keeps up. Before this, she had signed a do-not-resuscitate order, which ultimately meant that she already accepted her fate. They’re going to pull the plug on her later this afternoon. They just want all her siblings and children to be there before she goes.
It’s going to be sad in Palmdale for quite a while. Losing a loved one was never easy for anyone. Although this was expected to happen, it’s also expected to hurt. In any case, I know she’s going to a better, more peaceful place. She can finally rest.
I love you, Tita Baby. I’m gonna miss you.
Rock Star: Supernova
July 6, 2006I watched the show last night. Brooke Burke is looking sexy as always and I see that Dave Navarro is still there to criticize, support, rock out, and whatnot. I was surprised to see Tommy Lee there, too! I guess the whole Motley Crue thing faded out after Pamela (at least, that’s what I’d like to think), so why not start a new band? Besides, Supernova is way cooler name… NOT!
Anyway, here are my early favorites (in no particular order):
Ryan: I didn’t get to watch his entire perfomance but I loved the way he sounded during the recap. He did “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls.
Dilana: She’s a very intense rocker chick. Hard rock. Love her voice — rough but very awesome.
Josh: He’s a cutie pie. I’d love to hear him sing everyday. His voice is just so smooth and soothing rock. Very nice indeed.
Jill: Small girl but very powerful. Big voice, big talent.
Lukas: Very heavy rock dude. He’s awesome at that. I wonder how he’d do with softer rock type of songs. Still, Supernova is looking for someone just like him, screaming it out with Tommy Lee on drums. Who knows?
All in all, good show. The house band still rocks. However, the previous Rock Star contestants were better for me. We’ll see if that changes.
Recap
July 5, 2006June 30th: Elise, Jon, Cait and I cooked dinner. HUGE success! What was on the menu? Salad with creamy caesar dressing, stir-fried broccoli, leche flan, and roasted beef sirloin. The sirloin was supposed to be tenderloin but it still turned out great with the Southwestern mix and the cilantro sauce that we made. Yum! I took pictures, too. (See Events.) Ate Epie told us we must have done something right for Kuya Mike to ask for seconds. Yay!
July 1st: Watched Superman Returns at the theatre today. Really good, cool movie. It was exciting and had funny Clumsy Clark Kent moments. Brandon Routh is amazingly pretty, it’s distracting. I love some eye candy in my movies anyway, so yeah. I crush him.
July 2nd: My friend Jeremy’s (from Iowa) birthday. Happy Birthday, King Jeremy! Called him up to greet him on his special day. It was nice.
July 3rd: Ate Epie cooked a typical Thanksgiving dinner, even though it has been months since the last one. She said it was to make up for the Thanksgiving dinner we missed. We had turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn bread stuffing, cranberries, olives, and (sort-of sweet) corn. Yummy!
July 4th: Fireworks! Nothing compares to the Philippines when it comes to fireworks, though. I’m sure gonna want to come home on New Year’s just for that. This means that I didn’t take a lot of pictures because it was kinda corny. Anyway, Paul and Mary came over for dinner. They watched movies with the rest of the gang. I was upstairs crying because Kuya Mike suddenly became an insensitive prick, but I let it pass. I went downstairs after a few hours and played Rummikub with Elise, Jon, and Cait. I had me some chocolate cake and milk later. I didn’t have the appetite for the beef barley soup, so I’m gonna have to try that later.
That’s it, pansit! (Hehe! Hello, Ms. Leigh!)
What if?
June 27, 2006What ifs. We have so many of these that it’s not even funny. For starters, we ask: What if I had a different life? What if I was born into a different family? What if I weren’t Filipino (or whatever nationality)? What if I were of the opposite sex? Subsequently, we ask: Would our lives been any different?
I’m a big dreamer. And if you’re a dreamer, you’re bound to have a list of a million what ifs. What if I lived here? What if I went there? What if I chose this instead of that? What if everything made sense? What if everyone got along? What if I woke up someday and find that all my what ifs have been answered? What if I died wondering what if?
We all have our what ifs. They may be silly, irrelevant, big, or serious. But they’re there. They exist. And they bother you. They bother you because they are important. They bother you because it’s important for you to have some answers.
What if. Two small words. Two extremely powerful words.
What about you? Got any what ifs to share?
Madness
June 26, 2006June 19th: Hell on earth. That day was just the worst day of my life since I came here. The previous weekend was okay; we went to Santa Clarita, we watched movies, and I even bought a book. But June 19th was just excruciating.
BIG, BIG FIGHT with my nephew, Jonathan. I can’t even begin to describe how rude and disrespectful he was to me AND his mother AND his dad. The boy was totally out of control. He treated his mom like shit. They practically wrestled in the living room. And I just couldn’t take it at that point. He yelled at me so I yelled the fuck back. I wanted to break his face so bad, but instead, I called my mom and asked her to book me a flight back home to the Philippines. I won’t be taking that kind of shit from anyone. Never, never in my whole life. I cried, yes. But enough is enough.
I’ve never been so angry and so out of it in a long time. It wasn’t even like I was in my own body. But I calmed down after a couple of hours. When the little shit tried to apologize for the first time, I wouldn’t even want to hear it. Hell, he was forced to apologize to me, anyway, and I knew — I just knew that he didn’t really want to. You do not make excuses for yourself when you apologize. You do not blame the person you’re apologizing to for what happened. And that’s exactly what he did. Nuh uh. No way.
Probably a half hour later, he knocked on my door. He came in like a total loser, head down, swaying side-to-side like a baby as he walked towards me. This time it was a lot different. He was being sincere, although I still didn’t trust him completely. I didn’t want to, at least. I was writing on my journal, just to release some of my anger and write down some of my thoughts. He wasn’t even done with his second apologetic sentence when I started crying all over again. He hugged me. I hugged him back. It was over.
* * *
A few days rolled by and it was Thursday. Jon graduated from middle school. He’s gonna be in high school in less than two months and I bet you the worst is yet to come.
Caitlin, however, will be starting middle school in September. She received two awards during her awards ceremony last Wednesday: the Personal Success Award and the Respecting Others Award. Way to go, Cait!
Anyway, Thursday was also the same day we went cherry picking over at Leona Valley. It was quite hot that day, but the experience was worth it. I was eating cherries from every tree in there for the first several minutes that I ate more than I picked. Heheh.
By the way, I updated the Trips album to include the cherry picking pictures. Also added the Miscellaneous album for all my other pics. Enjoy!
Love, Music, and TH131
June 19, 2006Love, love is a verb.
Love is a doing word.
Massive Attack got it right.
Love is only a feeling.
The Darkness, however, got it wrong.
So what did the late M. Scott Peck had to say about it?
Love — the feeling — is a result of love the verb.
Damn skippy.
Changes
June 16, 2006They say that change is the only sure thing in this world. I guess they’re right. I’m making a few changes of my own. They’re nothing out of the ordinary: a change in address, a changed environment, and creating a new blog in a new place — here.
I’ve had this domain for well over two months now. I haven’t put it to good use ever since I got it. Now that I suddenly had the time to change the design of my page and after learning that I could upload pictures (resized, of course) in a decent amount of time using dial-up, I’m quite certain that it wouldn’t take very long for this blog to flourish.
For the record, I’m not abandoning my other blog altogether. It has served me well for almost three years now and I’m not about to ditch it. So from now on, should I decide to post an entry there, I’m making sure that I have a copy of it here. Sounds fair enough, right?
Anyway, thank you for stopping by. I’ll be seeing you in the days and weeks to come. I’ll try my best not to bore you. 
Sincerely,
Cami - The Polarized Southpaw