What if?

What ifs. We have so many of these that it’s not even funny. For starters, we ask: What if I had a different life? What if I was born into a different family? What if I weren’t Filipino (or whatever nationality)? What if I were of the opposite sex? Subsequently, we ask: Would our lives been any different?

I’m a big dreamer. And if you’re a dreamer, you’re bound to have a list of a million what ifs. What if I lived here? What if I went there? What if I chose this instead of that? What if everything made sense? What if everyone got along? What if I woke up someday and find that all my what ifs have been answered? What if I died wondering what if?

We all have our what ifs. They may be silly, irrelevant, big, or serious. But they’re there. They exist. And they bother you. They bother you because they are important. They bother you because it’s important for you to have some answers.

What if. Two small words. Two extremely powerful words.

What about you? Got any what ifs to share? 

Madness

June 19th: Hell on earth. That day was just the worst day of my life since I came here. The previous weekend was okay; we went to Santa Clarita, we watched movies, and I even bought a book. But June 19th was just excruciating.

BIG, BIG FIGHT with my nephew, Jonathan. I can’t even begin to describe how rude and disrespectful he was to me AND his mother AND his dad. The boy was totally out of control. He treated his mom like shit. They practically wrestled in the living room. And I just couldn’t take it at that point. He yelled at me so I yelled the fuck back. I wanted to break his face so bad, but instead, I called my mom and asked her to book me a flight back home to the Philippines. I won’t be taking that kind of shit from anyone. Never, never in my whole life. I cried, yes. But enough is enough.

I’ve never been so angry and so out of it in a long time. It wasn’t even like I was in my own body. But I calmed down after a couple of hours. When the little shit tried to apologize for the first time, I wouldn’t even want to hear it. Hell, he was forced to apologize to me, anyway, and I knew — I just knew that he didn’t really want to. You do not make excuses for yourself when you apologize. You do not blame the person you’re apologizing to for what happened. And that’s exactly what he did. Nuh uh. No way.

Probably a half hour later, he knocked on my door. He came in like a total loser, head down, swaying side-to-side like a baby as he walked towards me. This time it was a lot different. He was being sincere, although I still didn’t trust him completely. I didn’t want to, at least. I was writing on my journal, just to release some of my anger and write down some of my thoughts. He wasn’t even done with his second apologetic sentence when I started crying all over again. He hugged me. I hugged him back. It was over.

*  *  *

A few days rolled by and it was Thursday. Jon graduated from middle school. He’s gonna be in high school in less than two months and I bet you the worst is yet to come.

Caitlin, however, will be starting middle school in September. She received two awards during her awards ceremony last Wednesday: the Personal Success Award and the Respecting Others Award. Way to go, Cait!

Anyway, Thursday was also the same day we went cherry picking over at Leona Valley. It was quite hot that day, but the experience was worth it. I was eating cherries from every tree in there for the first several minutes that I ate more than I picked. Heheh.

By the way, I updated the Trips album to include the cherry picking pictures. Also added the Miscellaneous album for all my other pics. Enjoy!

Love, Music, and TH131

Love, love is a verb.
Love is a doing word.

Massive Attack got it right.

Love is only a feeling. 

The Darkness, however, got it wrong.

So what did the late M. Scott Peck had to say about it?

Love — the feeling — is a result of love the verb.

Damn skippy. 

Changes

They say that change is the only sure thing in this world. I guess they’re right. I’m making a few changes of my own. They’re nothing out of the ordinary: a change in address, a changed environment, and creating a new blog in a new place — here.

I’ve had this domain for well over two months now. I haven’t put it to good use ever since I got it. Now that I suddenly had the time to change the design of my page and after learning that I could upload pictures (resized, of course) in a decent amount of time using dial-up, I’m quite certain that it wouldn’t take very long for this blog to flourish.

For the record, I’m not abandoning my other blog altogether. It has served me well for almost three years now and I’m not about to ditch it. So from now on, should I decide to post an entry there, I’m making sure that I have a copy of it here. Sounds fair enough, right?

Anyway, thank you for stopping by. I’ll be seeing you in the days and weeks to come. I’ll try my best not to bore you.

Sincerely,
Cami - The Polarized Southpaw